THE LADY AT THE BACK SEAT!

An all round person, courageous, assertive and a go getter were the qualities I depicted. Unafraid of difficult situations and always speaking my mind with no reservations. Opportunities were no exception too, I grabbed them and maximized every bit of them. I had conditioned my mind to believe that time awaits no man and chance is provided to all, but what matters is who made use of the time and chance.

“Injured nerves heal or regenerate at a very slow rate, it may take up to many years and may sometimes never heal at all!”

These words from my doctor tore me apart. They were the most heartbreaking news I had gotten in a very long time. “What was the meaning of life? Is there any need to keep fighting a hopeless battle?” How was life going to be moving forward?

The silence that followed was palpable. I was no longer on planet earth. My thoughts went back to the choice I had made to fill in for my friend who was supposed to take up that assignment. I remembered how skeptic I was about the trip on that fateful morning. I remembered my motionless self under that wreck. Tears of despondency effortlessly streamed down my face, my heart was a mess and all that lingered in my mind was why I had to be the only one that was severely injured amongst the six of us that were on board. The question that was so common amongst everyone that I interacted with thereafter was, “had you buckled up?” The answer is “yes!” Sadly not even my seat belt saved me! 😭

A fourth year law student who had everything in check, ready to face the world and being among the best, was a dream that had come to a sudden halt. Desperation and self pity crawled in. I distanced myself from everyone and reached a point of sending everyone that came to visit me away. I did not want to see anyone in my ward let alone the cleaners. The worst hit was my mum; she wept bitterly seeing me in that state since she knew not how to help me. Sadness sunk me into severe depression! Sleep was a distant memory. Insomnia wouldn’t even describe it. For six months I stayed awake day and night and wished someday I’d “rest.”

Control and independence are two greatest gifts every human being should be grateful for. Talk about having control of your time, daily activities, your logistics and sleep. Independence over your body, the position you lie, posture you assume, and to simple things as when to visit the washroom! I became totally dependent and everything about me was controlled by the nurses, doctors and my family. From being bathed by a male nurse, being turned thrice in the night, induced to sleep, to having my meals decided on my behalf just to mention a few. Embarrassing is an understatement to describe the dominant emotion, I felt so helpless and unworthy. When friends would visit, I would tell my sister and mother to hide the urine bag so that no one sees it.

I took no attention of visitors who showed up and to date, I don’t have a clear record of who visited or not. My self esteem and strong personality, shattered to pieces. Nothing could convince me that life outside hospital would be bearable, let alone possible. After my discharge from hospital, I decided to keep off everyone and everything. We argued with my parents a lot when they asked me to go to church or whenever they informed me that we would be having visitors. “You can have them visit but remember I do not want to see any of them,” I said as tears trickled. I hid in my room and rarely joined the family for the daily devotions. The only time I stepped outside the gate was when I was going to hospital.

Transitioning to the outside world was an uphill task, filled with fear and anxiety. I had lost a lot of friends and acquaintances from my past life. Resentment and rage became the order of the day as I sat under the acacia tree outside our house. A morning bed-bath then going to sit under the tree became my daily routine. Flashbacks of the ordeals of that fateful day kept replaying in my mind. I suffered bouts of panic attacks. I was more alert and would be triggered by the slightest movement. However, the most I could do was live in the fright as I had no control over my movement; unless someone came and wheeled me away!

I became the lady at the back seat! Every place I went to, I would insist on taking the back row so that I could hide and avoid people’s suspicious gazes and questions. A lot of questions criss-crossed my mind as to why I had to go through all these. Unkindness from people whom I assumed knew best added to my pain. A vivid ordeal was an encounter with a lady who arrogantly asked me to get inside church so that I could get healed. Most patients who suffer nerve injury are prone to neuropathic pain especially during the cold season and that particular day, the pain was so severe and I had to sit on the sun to ease it. Broken as I was I vowed to be churchless and worship God in my own unique way.

The journey to recovery, trying to forgive myself, and having a peace of mind has been tough. Nevertheless, bit by bit I have been able to accept pain as part of human life and that the greatest lessons are learned through adversity. This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: Wintley Phipps, “It is in the quiet crucible of your personal private suffering that your noblest dreams are born and God’s greatest gifts are given in compensation for what you’ve been through.”

I have henceforth made a decision to take it a day at a time and appreciate every lesson that pain brings along as tough times don’t last but tough people do. The lady at the back seat will resurface again!

It is well!